New Consoles to Block Legally Purchased Retail Titles

A friend of a friend informed a well-known gaming blog that the new consoles may not even allow you to play video games at all! The informant went on to tell said blog that the developers intend to sell the game discs at full retail price, but have each portion of the game -excluding a small playable portion available on the disc- as DLC. The entire game will be on the disc, but developers apparently feel like they aren't getting enough bang for their buck.

This new form of DLC is not downloadable at all, but it rather requires a constant internet connection, which activates the purchased portion of the disc. You then must sign into three different accounts.

Axl Rose Penning Soundtrack for FFvsXIII

An anonymous source has hinted at the soundtrack for Final Fantasy Versus XIII being composed by Guns 'n Roses frontman Axl Rose:

"My brother's cousin told me that the reason Versus is taking so long to finish is that Axl Rose has teamed up with Yoko Shimomura and they're having creative differences."

What will this strange concoction possibly sound like? How many layers of guitar will there be? How many of the songs will have violin or piano leads?

Wii U to be Infused with Real MAGIC

When Iwata said that they were looking for help with their new system, no one could have possibly imagined this. Word on the street is that Nintendo has a hired a real life wizard to bless their next-gen system with real magic. Hardcore gamers have recently moaned and complained that Nintendo lost the so-called "magic" of their yesteryears. In response, Nintendo decided to use real magic to acquire the technical feats that we'll see at this year's E3.

Debate is ongoing as to whether the wizard in question is Fred Savage or Kazaam. Some say that it will be Savage due to his past work with the company, but Kazaam is always a possibility.

XBOX 720 to Eschew Ram Entirely

You heard it here first. The new XBOX is going against the grain in an almost Nintendo-like fashion and is shockingly using 0mb of RAM. How this will work, it is not known at this point, but word on the street is that Microsoft hopes to recapture the child-like imagination of days of yore. Like when you pretended you were a fighter pilot, a race-car driver, or that everyone in your second grade class didn't hate you.

By going even lower-tech than the indies themselves, MS is planning for a complete revolution (ahahaha) of the gaming world.